Jacob and Loki (his cat) and their amazingly super underpants!

It was a lovely sunny day and the sky was big and blue. Jacob and Loki were playing hide and seek and were having a brilliant time. Loki (Jacobs cat) decided to hide up high in the big blossom tree and was busy trying to make himself as small as possible so that Jacob would not see him. He was so excited that he forgot about hiding his tail, it waggled up in the air and could be seen.

When Jacob finished counting to 25 he shouted, ”here I come, ready or not, keep your place or you’re gonna get caught!”

He scanned the garden looking for Loki and almost immediately saw a swishing swirly tail sticking out from behind the leaves of the blossom tree. Being as quiet as a mouse, Jacob started to  climb up the tree, he took great care to be as sneaky as he could.

When he was just behind Lokis whisking tail he took a deep breath and let out a giant sized and equally loud, ”GOTCHA LOKI!”

Poor Loki leaped up and into the air with the fright “MEAOW -WOW-OW!”

They both laughed and when they calmed down again again Jacob told Loki, ”your caught, it’s your turn now!” Loki replied “Meaow!” meaning “ok”

It was then that Jacob noticed something strange about the blossom tree, it seemed to be missing half of its pink blossom leaves. Just as they reached to bottom of the tree and were back safely on the ground they both suddenly heard a very sad voice say, ”excuse me, sniff sniff, im thirsty!”

They both were startled a bit and looked all around but could not see who had spoken to them. Loki said, “meaaow?” meaning “what was that?” Jacob replied, “I don’t know Loki but it sounded very sad!”

Suddenly again the mysterious voice appeared, it said, “Oh BOO-HOO, I’m thirsty and it’s sooo hot!” The both turned to where the voice had come from and to their astonishment it appeared to be the blossom tree.

Jacob looked at the tree and asked it, “was that you speaking?” They both jumped when it answered, “Yes! Sniff Sniff, it was me, your blossom tree, i’m thirsty, can you get me a drink of water?”

After both cat and owner had picked themselves back up off the ground from the fright they had gotten, Loki chimed in with an inquisitive “Meaow Maa Meaow?” meaning “where is your mouth?” The blossom tree quickly answered, “my mouth is in the ground all around me, you call them roots and mine are all dry and very thirsty, they need some water to fall from the sky but it’s so hot and there is only that one big raincloud going the wrong direction, can you see my leaves are starting to fall off?”

The blossom tree it appeared knew lots of stuff about lots of things, Jacob and Loki felt very sorry for it indeed.

The dynamic duo had a secret, a secret that could very well be of great help to the thirsty tree. They both looked at each other and without words they knew what it was they needed to do to help the tree out. They both knew they needed their ‘Amazingly Super Underpants’ Loki turned to the tree and said “meaowuzoww meaoe mow!” meaning “we can help!”

Jacob and Loki ran inside the house and bounded up the stairs four at a time to get to their bedroom, they knew that they did not have much time. Jacob yanked open the bottom drawer of their wardrobe and there shining out at them with bright sparkling colours were two very special pairs of underpants.

One belonged to Jacob and and a big ‘J’ embroidered on the front and the other belonged to Loki and had an ‘L’ for Loki. Jacob jumped into his in one bound and then he helped Loki with his. Both underpants burst with glittering lights as they were now activated.

They both ran back down to the garden and looked all around to be sure that nobody could see them. Quite suddenly, Jacob jumped up into the air and started to fly into the sky and towards the drifting cloud. Loki flew differently to Jacob because he had a tail, it spun around just like a helicopter and lifted Loki up into the sky. Loki had to adjust the direction of his tail to be able to go in Jacobs direction.

After about five minutes of flying through the sky they approached the big raincloud, the blossom tree was right, it was indeed drifting in the wrong direction.

Jacob had an idea, he told Loki to spin his tail really fast beside the cloud to try push it back in the direction of the blossom tree. Jacob helped Loki by taking huge gulps of air into his lungs and huffing and puffing. Jacob huffed and puffed while Loki swished and swashed and to their delight the cloud started to drift back in the direction it had come from and by luck towards the blossom tree.

Jacob put his hand into the cloud and discovered that it was like putting his hand into a bath full of cold water. They pushed and blew and huffed and puffed and swished and swashed until eventually the cloud hovvered directly over the tree. Now all they needed to do was to get the cloud to empty its water onto the thirsty waiting blossom tree.

Jacob decided that because cats dont like getting wet he would take on the next part of their superhero task. He took another gulp of air and flew into the cloud to try and find the chain so he could pull the stopper.

He half flew half swam down and into the cloud, while he was searching inside the cloud his toe through sheer luck got caught on a chain, he knew instantly that he had found the chain that was attached to the plug that held all the water inside. With the powers that the amazingly super underpants gave him he pulled on the chain with all his mighty might.

There was a sudden underwatery ‘THUNK“

He half swam and flew out of the cloud and was thrilled to see that all the clouds water was pouring directly on the blossom trees head, for a split second he was sure he heard a huge “AHHHHH!” coming up from the delighted tree.

Loki Meaowed happily to see all the rain falling very specifically on only the tree.

They high fived each other in delight!

It was time to fly back down to the ground and when they landed back safely in the garden they both dashed back up to their bedroom. They put their now dry from all the flying, amazingly super underpants neatly back in the bottom drawer. The cloud rained its rain on the blossom tree for the next half an hour before stopping.

The Blossom Tree shone with happiness and its Blossoms Bloomed Brightly.

The End….

Weathered Man.

The battles lost in time and mind,

that re-enact each moment upon his head,

rip from the past and plow like leaded

bullet snapshots through his lob-sided growl.

A jumbled grunting snarl with pressurised

tears, queer luck brought this man.

Eyes closed, he transports his being back

to the hurts that grind his insides,

new directions that might have been

map themselves and unfurl into real tastes,

sweet tastes that melt in his mouth with

flavors of cream and meringue.

A divine dance of the almost possibly real,

and then, the stray bite sours and the spittle flies.

He is now a king, pronouncing his weighted

opinions to passing shadows,

he is the weathered man with the street tan,

and the gap filled crocked smile.

a short attempt at poetry.

In Stephens Green

I have seen

a toungless beggar

be refused a coin

while ducks overfeed

on freely thrown bread

bulging  satisfactorily

with duck hiccups.

While Ugg boots flap

with silly hair

systemically unaware

as i try not to stare

at their orange glowful  glare

thats not from nature.

Rubber tyred taxis

mark a burnt trail

that wears thin

the drivers resolve

and thread depth.

And over borrowed

suits with pink collars

nod in agreement

on a done deal

to steal time.

And time and again

the Brazilian powered eco-cab

peddles, soft drinks

and west of Ireland Geography.

Chapter 15. Our Accents

(The Who- Who are you?)

She found herself without her childhood home by her late 30′s.

An unscrupulous solicitor and a shify slight of hand and what once was her birthright ended up sold suddenly for the benefit of the unmentionable practitioner of law.

Mummy told us her parting shot as she stormed from his office full of tears was,

“You will have a lifetime of bad luck for what you have done!“

He was dead within six months

His karmic comeuppance came double quick time.

87 Ranelagh Road is a three story over basement Victorian and Mummy immersed us all in stories of her past glories in it.

From a young Ronnie Drew and Luke Kelly attending her parties, to her mothers occasional chats with Brendan Behan at the canal.

Mummy made it plain,

“You are all upper middle class and money is not its standard bearer! Its breeding. Do you all understand?“

And we would all nod in unison as we perceived that imaginative virtual reality long before technology got involved.

Her young life was idyllic with money no object and the world her oyster. Not much was ever denied her.

She attended Tullamaine Preparatory school from the age of 4 until 11.

It is now better known as de Burlington hotel.

She specialised in Horse riding, Piano, French, and the Girls Brigade.

For Secondary school she went to Alexandra College on Earsfort Terrace.

She traveled all around Europe many times and spoke of it as if she were in a Grace Kelly movie.

She drove a Triumph Herald Convertable while working as an English teacher in Madrid from 1958 to 1961.

She spoke Spanish, French and English.

She kept a secret all that time, a secret about washing.

At a very young age she requested a sink be installed in her bedroom in Ranelagh.

Come the early 1960′s she started feeling the social pressure for marriage and along came Daddy.

By that time all she had left as a dowry were 12 small rented terraced houses at St. Margarets Terrace a neatly built by her father cul de sac off Cork Street.

Daddys spending prowess timed its entrance perfectly.

Chapter 14. Eight weeks

(lipps inc – Funkytown)

Mummy regarded an “accident” as an atomic spreading of germs.

Infection spread wild and wide all around the hinterland would lead her to abandon all hope mentally.

When a perceived leak did actually happen it meant everything electrical or not, had to go through a dousing.

Walls, light-fittings windows, chairs, doors and us.  A dousing of disinfectant was her cure to avoid the end days in her mind.

Our clothing and our bodies  could easily be deemed infected and subject to Pine and or Dettol disinfection.

She felt compelled to confirm our cleanliness by having us wash ourselves from a basin of water and disinfectant. The basin was balanced on the fridge which was right beside the head of Mummys bed.

The same basin was used in the same location for our clothing. We had to work hard with our sales skills to stop her wanting to burn them.

She was our mad mother and we knew no different.

A few weeks in I got the job of innocent confirmer of the non leakage, it was a regular job just after her visits . She regarded me as pure and not capable of telling lies. The Job entailed me walking backwards from the bathroom one slow step at a time and stating loudly if I saw wet or no wet.

STEP, NO WET! STEP NO-WET! STEP NO-WET!

Naturally and not being stupid I never saw wet.

This did not completely stop accidents happening.

We were told to start side shuffling with our backs towards her at all times. It meant a sort of side shuffle skip to me. You kept the item be it food, cigarettes, coffee or clothes up high and away even further from her right  until the last moment. You then swooped in face on to feed her.

We all shuffled around her imagined arc shaped infection perimeter.

I stopped going out on the road to play, my clothes were odd and smelled of disinfectant.

I started to mitch from school.

Life took on a disposable aspect as Nescafe Coffee Jars became coffee cups.

A tip would be to be wary after pouring the hot water into one as the gluey rim can act against savory appreciation.

We Lived in a world located halfway between madness and manners.

The local Convent up the road was Mummys advice, partly due no doubt to her fear of revealing her circumstance to a Church of Ireland equivalent.

And so we walked all of us in turns to the places where food could be begged.

Niamh and I plodded many paths together in search of help.

After 6 weeks our electricity got cut off, they had sent us lots of letters over the months but we only found out about it late.

It meant watching out for the bogeyman whom i knew for a fact lurked about a night.

Chapter 13. Amnesia revisited

(pink floyd-another brick in the wall)

He did it the way he did it before, without warning. He was a coward and his nature always worked out the best scenario to suit his non confrontational ethos. He simply disappeared and never came back. We were all sent to a dark place full of deja vu, heartache and tummy rumbles.

Mummy went berserk, she lost all grip on sanity. He had done it to her again and “fucked off” just when everything seemed to be going ok. Daddys departure drove her to accelerate her illness and we would all pay a heavy price  for being left behind to manage her madness.

Starting the day after daddy vamoosed she would become virtually fully bedridden, just rising twice per 24 hours to go to the loo.

The next eight weeks  gouged out scars in each of us as we searched for food, heat and disinfectant to stave off the imagined attacks from germs.

She developed a routine for going to the toilet twice daily, she would heave her legs out over the side of the bed one at a time and pull herself into a sitting position. She was always bursting to go at these times so she sat cross legged to keep herself from having an accident. Her hands during the whole procedure would be tightly clasped and held up high at the side of her head. This was because she regarded from her waist down as a no go area abuzz with invisible nasties.

Germ ripe nasties.

We were to be silent as church mice on pain of death during this whole process, a misplaced squeak would result in severe disinfection and the possible loss of our clothes.

She was all concentration at the edge of the bed cross legged and bouncing. A few bounces usually did the trick to get her upright. Once settled upright she would walk crossed legged and crab like to the living room door and from there, give her dramatic nod to whomever was on toilet duty that day.

Duty involved walking over to her with our arms held high, to roll up her sleeves as far as they would go. You had to take care at the corner around her elbows. The resultant look was of materially based biceps evenly balanced on each of her shoulders.

She would then resume her side shuffle onwards to the bathroom where she would disappear for about an hour or so.

Occasionally the toilet duty would involve bringing more soap into her, this happened on particularly bad days of her ritual. Days when she mixed up some of the equations and had to start the formula again.

She used carbolic soap, always sunlight or lifebouy. One was lifebouy red and the other sunlight yellow. Each bar of soap was cut into five slices. Experience revealed that sunlight soap was slightly softer and easier to cut. Her slice of soap would be left on the sink before her visit commenced.

Soap was the most important product to be gotten into  our household, but in those first 2 months after Daddy abandoned us even soap would become subject to lack of finance. At these times we would squash together the many abandoned slivers left discarded in the bathroom and hope they would do her. This backfired a few times by breaking up halfway through her process.

Hell would be unlocked at those times.

On her return upon the empty fridge her number 6 cigarettes would be left open with one sticking out. Upon this box also lay waiting another box of matches with a match sticking out too.

She had learned quickly that lighting a cigarette was made almost impossible with her red raw ice cold hands. Having both cigarette and match at the ready made the task easier.

Chapter 12. Backstage Pass

(The Four Lads-Istanbul)

The year is 1953 and my paternal Grandmother, born in december 1896 was known as Ofa. Ofa and her only surviving son receive a letter at their home in Lucan Co. Dublin. It’s not a letter Ofa would normally receive. She had forgotten about this aspect of her life.

It was from the Royal House Of Tonga and it was an invitation to join Queen Salote for afternoon Tea the following Saturday at the Shelbourne Hotel at Stephen’s Green at 11am.

The reason for this invitation arriving at The Sally House Lucan Co.Dublin has its roots at the end of the 19th century on the island of Tonga.

Ofa’s Father, William Stewart Ross was a doctor in the British Navy and he and his wife, Charlotte Anne Ross, found themselves on the Island for the Birth of their daughter.

They called her Kathleen Ofa Ross. Her middle name was a derogation of Aroha meaning Love.

The letter from Queen Salote is recognition that Kathleen Ofa was officially the first white baby born on the Kingdom Of Tonga.

The first official State visit to the newly formed Republic Of Ireland is all over the papers and on the radio.

Queen Salote is reported to be of huge girth, so much so that The Shelbourne have to have a special lift installed to take her.

Daddy told the story better than I can. It was a great source of pride for him and gave him in his early 20′s a story that greened the gills of any male listeners and sent the heartstrings of many of the fairer sex all a flutter.

He dined many nights out on it.

All that talk of royalty were seeds that stayed planted in my imagination. From dreams to daydreams Queen Salote would for me make occasional appearances.

Chapter 11. Timely Diversion

(David Bowie-ashes to ashes)

Attention was taken away from my misdemeanour by the untimely death of Mr. MacElroy. Although I liked him it really helped when it happened as it took all the focus away from what I had done and led my parents to have to speak with each other.

Daddy was the one who unbeknownst to himself would pick the short straw and discover Mr. MacElroys body. He must at the time have been attempting to pay our rent. Within a day of all this happening Daddy decided to move us into the recently vacated next door house that was also owned by the late Victor. I suspect Daddy was a bit spooked staying in the old house.

Daddy would have also reserved a secretive smile to himself, he would not now for an unspecified period of time have to pay any rent at all.

One of the older boys from across the road managed to get into Mr. MacElroys bedroom and had discovered a wardrobe full of mens hair dye, this raised the question on the road, what does a completely bald man need with so much hair dye. Its an unsolved mystery to this very day.

There was a very sweet hearted woman who lived across the road from us. It was her son who discovered the hair dye. While May was in Mr. MacElroys bedroom surveying all and sundry her son took it upon himself to try sending her to the pearly gate queue that the late Victor was waiting in.

The son rose Bella Lugosi style from our dead landlords bed. May screamed louder than I had ever heard in my life. It was another moment of darkly sweet humour we all shared in as we watched her legs spin in an attempt to get out of the bedroom.

A rental company was set up quite quickly by Mr. MacElroys inheriting family. They would  start biting at Daddys heels soon. The letter notified Daddy that the rent would be going up slightly also.

We woke up to a surprise one day soon after to discover new tenants in our old house. After closer inspection Daddy discovered they were actually squatters. Daddy warned us not to go inside that house again and to be wary about talking to them.

I remember thinking it odd at the time that his standards differed when judging other people. He himself had not paid any rent in a long time. His blind eye was forever  firmly in the on position. It ensured he would never face such moral quandroscities.

Chapter 10. Photograph

(John Lennon – Imagine)

The day arrived when I dropped Daddy into the proverbial doodah. He’d gone out to work and as usual he would be gone until the evening. He decided not to take me with him after the drill incident.

I found myself in my usual demeanor, finding small things to look at while daydreaming and drifting. I was up in the bedroom nosing about  when I came across one of Daddy’s suit jackets hanging on the back of a chair. It was far too much temptation for me to not rummage in. First though I decided to try it on. It turned out to be slightly big as it hung down to my ankles. My hands reached just beyond halfway to the sleeves.

A slight bump of weight around my tummy alerted me to the wallet that lay within. The documents held no interest but the photograph did. It was a picture of Daddy and a friend of his, they were both smiling and had their arms around each others shoulders. I could tell it was taken in a pub, I could see all the beer glasses on the table. I thought they looked happy and smiled to myself.

A sudden noise from the stairs broke my daydreaming and I jumped to get out of the jacket and stuffed the wallet back where it belonged. I quickly hung the jacket back on the chair and nonchalantly walked towards the door and out of the room.

It was Samuel who made the noise probably out of boredom. He asked me what I was doing and I instantly told him “nothing!” I forwent him the knowledge of the wallet and its contents. For the rest of the day I finagled my way about the house.

Mummy had taken to her bed since my communion, she might get up for a few hours every occasion or so. Her serious commitment was a bit away. Samuel and I had a room to ourselves while Meadbh and Niamh had theirs. Mummy and Daddy had the Living room as a bedroom. Mr. McElroy had his own downstairs bedroom and none of us allowed enter by order of management.

It was one of those rare times that Mummy was up making some lunch, beans on toast, she was not by nature or inclination a cordon bleu. The beans on toast put me in a very good mood, in fact I was quite giddy as I horsed around with Samuel trying to best him at wrestling. Mummy told us to,

“Stop messing and calm down or you’ll spill your lunch!”

Samuel took his lunch to go while I ate mine in with Mummy, Mummy looked at me and smiled and said,

“You seem very happy Eoin!”

And I instantly replied without thought,

“I’m as happy as Daddy in the photograph!”

My comment was greeted with silence and a powerful questioning look from Mummy, I felt a sudden sharp pang of unexplained guilt. I was not anywhere near aware of the full implications of what I had said but I knew from the look Mummys eyes were nailing me with that I was in deep shit.

She stared at me and I was trapped rabbit like in her glare, her look indicated that she wanted more details, I tried to stay silent until she hissed,

“What Friend?“

Pinned down by the full beam of her intent I squeeked.

“In the photo!“

A high pitch and definately getting madder reply erupted from her,

“What Photo?“

And I spilled the Beans before I had a chance to fully eat them.

Daddys friend was a she and him having his arm around her was the evidence of  Daddys other life outside his marrage to my mother. The shit hit the fan on a grand scale after she ordered me to bring the photo downstairs. Daddy lost his reason when Mummy threw the photo into his face, and when he uncovered it was me who bean spilled he knocked several shades of shite out of me. I remember being in shock, the type of blubbering uncontrolled shock only Billy Connolly can describe and do justice.

The house grew ominous for us all after that day, I could feel the threat hanging over us. Something bad was going to happen. Mummy cried a lot and spent more time in bed while Daddy spent more and more time in the pub. We continued to go to school and hoped it would all blow over.

Chapter 9. Faith Falling

(Queen-another one bites the dust)

It was the year after the Popes visit and the year of my first holy communion.  As a five year old I had no idea that young Protestants did not do the Roman Catholic first Holy Communion. All I did know was our class was being prepared every other day and I was not going to miss out.

At that time  Ireland only had room for two strands of Christianity encamped on the Island, Protestant and Catholic. In the Republic it was always assumed you were Catholic and so this was assumed with a blind eye turned on for me in Muckross Park School. Mummy pretended to be a bit put out by my choice to do the FHC but it was she who decided to send me to a mostly nun run Catholic school on the right side of town.

My classrooms excitement had a physical quality that could be sliced as we neared the date. Mummy was kept busy locating a suit for me to wear, which in itself proved tricky cost wise. Eventually she tracked down a woman in Fairview who had her sons suit for sale and was willing to give Mummy a good price. There is a photo of me in it, I was forced to pose with Marie from across the road who was doing her FHC  also. She was all meringued up and my lower lip fattened as the flash went off, I needed to show my displeasure somehow. The photo was made all the more wedding like with the old fashioned London Black Cab that was used in the background.

The Big day arrived with Meadbh, Mummy and I making our way across the Liffey to the hallowed Donnybrook. There was a small chapel on the school grounds and before it all kicked off there was a tree planting ceremony. I do remember the feeling of standing out among the large gathering of well healed parents and children. Their kids could expect to do well financially that day. Unfortunately the size of my Family and its lack of fiscal prowess would mean no major riches for me.

I pretended to not notice the stares at my non ironed suit, I was above it all and this was my day with God. Each of us FHCs had our own sponsor, mine was Meadbh. We both went up to the altar and started the verbal formalities with the bishop which I had been practicing for a couple of weeks

We were told in the build up that the expectation was we would be going to Confession within the week. I could not think of anything bad that I had done so feeling pressurised I told the priest I had stolen a ficticious mars bar from my sister. Ten hail Marys and five our fathers was a small price to pay.

As we stood up on the altar and while everything appeared to be going according to plan from behind us their came a sudden commotion. The Bishop stopped talking and looked beyond us. As I was turning to see what was happening part of me knew that it would be a Mummy related problem. When we turned around we were greeted with the sight of four men each carrying a limb belonging to my unconscious mother. We both froze with terror, I had no words as I selfishly imagined the classroom taunts I would suffer.

The Bishop kindly went into fast forward with the rest of the anointments and the service ended abruptly. Instantly Meadbh and I were approached by two gliding nuns who brought us to a room that contained Mummy, she was sipping on a glass of water. She seemed alright and was busy explaining to the nuns that it had been the stuffy heat in the chapel that got to her. She was apologizing profusely while the nuns clucked sympathetic sounds.

The Nuns were extra nice to me when I returned to school the next monday, I imagine mostly out of sympathy and on some level out of relief for having converted a heathen left footer onto the correct path.